My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
