I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
