a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
