She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
