It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize