buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
