What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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