I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
