Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
