why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
