1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
