shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
