pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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