im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
