I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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