Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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