I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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