It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize