He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
