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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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