just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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