I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
