Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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