In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I would fuck him just for his dog
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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