Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize