Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
