I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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