I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
