I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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