ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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