I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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