There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
