TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
