Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
