Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
