she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize