So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
