my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
