Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
