I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
