my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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