Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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