He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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