I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
