I accidentally had phone sex last night
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
