Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
