those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize