I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
