I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
