oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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