Don't make out with my wife yet
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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