I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
People in love make me want to vomit
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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