I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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