Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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