Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize