broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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