So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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