i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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