dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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